Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Hope and Despair

Today has been 'one of those days'. By that I mean I'm pretty mentally exhausted on top of trying to recover from all the funsies I had last week. I haven't been so good since Sunday; Going to Chester Zoo, Northallerton and Leeds all in one week was far too much for my body to handle, but I really wouldn't have done it any differently. I have to push myself to do these things. I may suffer for a week or more afterwards but those fond memories will stay for me forever. This makes the pain all worthwhile.

So, as I've been trying to sort out my hospital affairs, I've allowed my mental exhaustion to get the better of me. I've just become so frustrated with the whole NHS rigmarole. I keep getting passed from department to department with no real answers, even then I can't quite grasp what the questions should be now.

All the while, I feel my personal sands of time slipping away. It's like I can see the life I want passing by in my head on one of those old school slideshow reels and I'm desperately trying to reach it. To touch it, just to have a little taste of what my life should be.

Feeling like this today does overwhelm me but then I see things like this:

'Do you know those times when you feel that you literally cannot take another step? That the world has conspired in such a way that people, circumstances and situations have served to drain you of every last bit of energy. 

I just felt like that.

I was walking the dog up a grassy hill and each step felt like I was walking in concrete boots and I thought 'sod this' and I just lay down. There and then. And looked up at the sky. And it gave me energy to get back up again.' - Sonia Poulton
and it gives me hope.

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