Gone...but never forgotten

*testing* *testing* *one, two, one, two*

Thursday was epically epic of epically epic proportions. I started the day off with a mega fun horror make-up session with the wonderful Sam Brewster. Lets just say there was a lot of gash to be had. I was the 'Angry Princess' from Thirteen Ghosts. It was definitely a site walking through Stockton Riverside college half naked and covered in blood. It's all fun and games though isn't it? You only live once! Once I'd managed to get all the blood and make-up off it was tattoo time!!

My friend Kat got Moominpapa tattooed on her ankle and it's actually amazing! Then it was my turn. I was getting my crested gecko finished off on my left wrist. It's the beginning of a sleeve but there is a story behind why I chose to get a crestie tattooed in the first place...

4 years ago I was working for North-East Exotic Pets and had totally fallen in love with reptiles, particularly lizards. I was young and naive and wanted to save the world. I saw a tiny crestie in very poor condition ( advanced MBD) in a pet shop that will not be named but is on Borough Rd, Middlesbrough ;). Me, being me and thinking I could save the world commandeered the little guy and decided to raise him and give him as good a life as he could have.

His name was George.

After a few months, lots of vets visits and help from friends. George was showing signs of improvement and I was so over the moon. The poor little guy fought through his breathing problems, even his crest was beginning to look spiked and he was gaining his 'sticky pad' feet back. He was hunting and acting like a normal crestie. I was so happy I cried.

A couple of months later George lost his fight. Walking out of the vets that day I vowed to myself never to rescue another animal and commemorated his memory with the tattoo. That was 4 years ago and I've finally gotten him coloured in. I can breathe a sigh of relief and put him to rest in my mind.

As selfish as it is, I'm not cut out for direct animal rescue as it's far too heartbreaking. That's what my tattoo is there to remind me of. I mustn't put myself through the heartache ever again.

Hope and Despair

Today has been 'one of those days'. By that I mean I'm pretty mentally exhausted on top of trying to recover from all the funsies I had last week. I haven't been so good since Sunday; Going to Chester Zoo, Northallerton and Leeds all in one week was far too much for my body to handle, but I really wouldn't have done it any differently. I have to push myself to do these things. I may suffer for a week or more afterwards but those fond memories will stay for me forever. This makes the pain all worthwhile.

So, as I've been trying to sort out my hospital affairs, I've allowed my mental exhaustion to get the better of me. I've just become so frustrated with the whole NHS rigmarole. I keep getting passed from department to department with no real answers, even then I can't quite grasp what the questions should be now.

All the while, I feel my personal sands of time slipping away. It's like I can see the life I want passing by in my head on one of those old school slideshow reels and I'm desperately trying to reach it. To touch it, just to have a little taste of what my life should be.

Feeling like this today does overwhelm me but then I see things like this:

'Do you know those times when you feel that you literally cannot take another step? That the world has conspired in such a way that people, circumstances and situations have served to drain you of every last bit of energy. 

I just felt like that.

I was walking the dog up a grassy hill and each step felt like I was walking in concrete boots and I thought 'sod this' and I just lay down. There and then. And looked up at the sky. And it gave me energy to get back up again.' - Sonia Poulton
and it gives me hope.

Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives

So here we are! Not well once again. Got some form of virus and literally have no energy. I know people say 'oh I'm so tired' or 'it's been a long day I'm exhausted' but that just doesn't cut it for me. I'm so run down and withdrawn that it takes all my effort to just go to the toilet (attractive huh?). These are the types of things that people take for granted. Just being ABLE to do whatever you fancy. For me it involves strategic planning. It's very rare my body will allow me to do something in consecutive days. If I do force myself to do it that means I'm gone for the rest of the week, either bed bound or sofa bound (depending if I can make it down the stairs). It's hard for people to think of me like that as I'm usually bounding around pretending I'm ok but you literally have no idea how much pain I'm actually in. I wish I could make you understand but even the people closest to me who see it everyday find it hard. I wish there was some sort of simulation program that places someone in my mind for even just an hour (except you dirty bastards :p). Maybe then you could understand what a struggle life really is for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is hold on to what makes you happy for as long as you can. Remember it's the little things in life that make the difference. It's a hard life and you never know what other people are going through. People take everything for granted all too often. I see it every single day. Don't let social pressures make you a dick ....

In the great words of Bill and Ted ....

'be excellent to each other' :)

Enlightenment

Feeling a lot more positive today because of my oh so wonderful friends. I literally would crumble without your kind words and support. It's nice to be reminded that my disability isn't my whole world and great things do exist. Even just the smallest of things; like being in a different environment and getting out of my so called bat cave that is my usual lifestyle.

Today I sat as a make-up model for my friend Sam Brewster. She did a wonderful job and deserves the highest of marks! The amount of effort and thought she'd managed to put together was inspiring. I'm finding myself with the yearly itch of wanting to go back to studying, but then, a sharp jolt in my abdomen will remind me I may not be able to handle it. I'd love to do a creative course. Zoology was creative in terms of experimental design but I'm craving something to bring out the artist in me. I've always loved art but I've always found it difficult to let go and express myself. Maybe my arty friends will pull me out of the shadows and help me get creative! Where to start, where...to...start!?

Over all I'm strangely proud of myself today. I've achieved a lot in a small space of time which is insanely good for me. Especially since I was in hospital at the weekend! Just a shame I have been summoned for an Atosser assessment in the process of my enlightenment. I think I'll save that one for another day :)

Bleak

I thought I'd give writing an actual blog entry a go and here we are. I hope you're all loving the animal pictures but that isn't my reality. It's one that I create to help forget about the existence I have to endure. I'm afraid my actual reality has come closer to a new dawning. One that I really don't like but one I've allowed myself to accept. I've learned that I may never get well and be that old Tori that I crave to be so, so much. The one who was always climbing trees and doing the most extreme sports she could lay her hands on. The one who wouldn't allow a broken wrist to stop her playing football. The Tori who held down two jobs whilst at college and all the while dealing with the death of her Father. The one who could take on anything the world threw at her. 

Now I just feel like a shell of myself.

Do you know what it is like to accept that you need to use a walking stick at the age of 24? All the while having to deal with people's judgemental stares as you walk around. The public's eyes burning right through you as if to say I have no right using it. This is one of my main issues in accepting my new reality. I know how the general public treat the sick and disabled. You could say it comes down to animal nature. Picking on the weakest of the herd as, god forbid, they should ever procreate.

I thought we were better than that, didn't you?

We're meant to be these 'intelligent beings'. How can we distinguish our own race as intelligent when our own government leading the vile dictation of abuse towards it's own kind. You may not see it because lets admit, ignorance is bliss, but it's most definitely there. Try looking harder at those news articles you read about the disabled being 'benefit scroungers' or the lack of news coverage about the disabled fighting back and standing together against the 1933 vision of Nazi Germany our OWN government has become.

Well this is the first snippet of my mind that I've allowed to make public. I hope I haven't bored you too much.

Tor...out